Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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