There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
