after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
