My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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