i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
