thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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