dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
