If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
