Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
