I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
