I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
