dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
never play flip cup with pint glasses
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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