I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I don't deserve a penis
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
