At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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