i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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