About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
