my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
