I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
