rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
