He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
