i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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