I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sorry my hands just texted you
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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