I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
