So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
