I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
