there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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