Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
