We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
