I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
