dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
