dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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