You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
