I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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