She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
