I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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