Dude my mom stole all your condoms
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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