I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
