I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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