fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My penis needs a shock collar
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
