Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
