i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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