Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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