can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm having to shit out rocks
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
