No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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