Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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