i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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