Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
