tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
