Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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