Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
