last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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