My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
