First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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