Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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