My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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