And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
