u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
