first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
