I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
