I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
