is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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