Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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