im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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