Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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