you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
