one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
