GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
