we're blogging at a bar
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
