Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
